#10

Dear Asshole,

I’m getting a baby bump… you’re really jamming up my wardrobe situation. I get to find out if you’re a boy or a girl in a couple weeks. Now that I’m not nearly as morning sick and miserable eeerday, the time seems to be going by faster. The remodel is still a hot mess, but I’m promised the use of the kitchen in another week or so and after we find out your gender we’ll start some nursery décor recon. I’m happy for you to get here but I know you’ll just be a little pile of goo at first. I want to talk to you, I want to see what you think about things, and I want to know if you’re an asshole or not. I’m so excited to have 3 months off work, even if it’ll be a sleep deprived craze. I wonder if I’ll return to work post partum. Finances are tricky little toad, we could survive on a lot less. However, your father and I have never been broke, on a budget, or paycheck-to-paycheck kind of people. We have both independently and now as a unit done quite well financially. Could we live on one income? Yes, probably. Do we want to? Not really. Your slightly crazy grandmother LOVES to tell me how your father’s cousin quit her job and clipped coupons to be a stay at home mom. I always politely acknowledge this sentiment but in my head I’m thinking, “SHUT UP!” If I worked somewhere for shit minimum wage then yes, that’d make perfect sense. If my income barely exceeded the cost of child care then a 3rd grade mathematician could probably estimate that “coupon clipping” was going to be the prudent choice.

There is no “non arrogant” way to point out in these situations that, I haven’t worked my ass off for the last ten years both professionally and academically so that I could clip coupons. I’ve earned a high honors MBA, induction into the American society of business management professionals, and been promoted to administrative management levels starting at the age of 23…working my way up since then to an income that is…how do I say??…. ballin…. #notsorry. In addition to my job in health care administration I’ve recently launched a very promising faculty position teaching at the university level. I have a plan, I’m building my academic resume, I’m creating options, and comfort… and yes, the timing might overlap into your infancy. I may return to work, but I will not abandon you. You will always be well cared for. You will always be loved. You will not be the daycare kid that smells like pee and animal crackers. I will figure it out. And you will not be poor… Mostly because, I will not be poor ; ) which reminds me, I need to call and make my botox appointment.

-FUCK that. I’m gonna have it all, and a baby.

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