Well little Asshole, I’ve been on a hiatus… finishing certifications, teaching, working, remodeling, marrying your father and ass kicking in general. Was planning to have you next year to let the newlywed bliss wear off a little (who am I kidding, your father and I have been together for six years…bliss better describes my relationship with the contents of the refrigerator). However, you were conceived… in a warm glow of lettuce wrap tacos, jager shots and a huge belligerent fight with your father…a human was made (harmony). I am 3 months pregnant (a little sooner than planned) and you are the size of a kumquat, whatever the fuck that is, thanks babycenter.com.

So far you have provided me with the following things: nausea, food aversions, vomiting, constipation, headaches, indigestion, and frequent urination. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a touch miffed at you. Ease up asshole, this is my first time.



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