Dear Asshole,

I’m over people. I’m over my “friends” … I’m marrying your father in 3 weeks and I’ve been forced into a bachelorette party trip that I didn’t want in the first place. Maybe my lackluster attitude is why several friends have cancelled which of course makes me mad even though I didn’t even particularly want them to come. Don’t worry asshole; I’m not always this neurotic. It’s going to be all your aunts… ya, 4 of your aunts and 1 good friend which honestly will be a good group of bitches. I think I’m just ready for my life to move to the next phase, I’ve beat this level over and over again (with bonus points) and feel restless for the wedding to come and go. I want my life with your father to kick off; I can’t wait to call him my husband. He’s a tricky guy; we’ve been through some shit. But I can tell you one thing, you’ll be the safest little asshole, he’ll protect you, provide for you and love you (even though he might not tell you every day) and he’ll most likely be the nice parent between us. I hope you appreciate him and that I continue to as well. So, here we go. I went to the liquor store, I’ve packed my clothes and I’ve fired off some peppy texts to the bitches.

-what it do.



Dear asshole,

You’re soon to be grandma stopped by my office today with 6 sample cups of salad to try for possible wedding side dishes. She is babysitting her great nephew today and he squirmed and ran all over my office and even accidently did an “page all” on my phone. He’s really cute, family members say he looks just like fiancé did when he was a tubby little thing. It got me thinking about you… and the future. I was officially accepted into the online teaching program, starts after the honeymoon and I REALLY hope it leads to a full time position of some kind that I can hustle from home. Having the little sticky tub tearing through my office today really solidified my passion and desire to raise you myself… at home… just the two of us. Fiancé and I have the best house out in the country; you’re going to love it. It made me happy that future mother in law is down to babysit and was doing such a great job with sticky tubby McTubberson. I guess we are on the wedding finish line… you’ll be a reality before I know it. By the way, we are going with the santa fe pasta salad and bacon ranch green salad… If you give two shits, because I know I don’t (I wanted to elope).

-Thoughts swirling.