Dear asshole,

I’ve come to the decision that I don’t want you hanging out with other little assholes because the majority of children I’ve come in contact with lately are atrocious. They’re monsters. I hope to teach you the tools you’ll need to choose which assholes you want to hang out with. I’m excited for you to get here for a variety of reasons but most of all to see if I can be as good of a parent as I think I can. I’m appalled by children’s entitled, selfish, lazy and disrespectful behavior in general and either I am in for a big shock and the rules from when I was a child simply no longer apply… or parents these days are shit.

I wasn’t allowed to eat endless amounts of sugar, interrupt, tell my mother no, leave my room a mess, skip out on chores or throat punch my sister. I just didn’t do it. I had a fear, a respectable reverence for my authority figures that simply kept me from acting like a fuck head. I was never beaten or starved or locked in a wood shed but I was spanked. I was told when my behavior was unacceptable and what my punishment would be. My parents followed through on discipline and it was not a joke. That same respect and reverence for superiors (that might know a little something more than me) has guided me my entire life. Decisions such as: my choices in education, career, investments and relationships. Nothing was handed to me, nothing was gifted. I have worked, scrounged, negotiated and earned everything I have and I’m sorry little shit head…. So will you.


Not sorry


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